Oh Grandma

My grandma passed away this June, the day after my daughter's birthday. I find myself wondering why she is gone. Like, why do other people still have their grandma's and I don't?

 As I walk down the street & look up at the balconies of apartments and wonder why couldn't my grandma enjoy one more summer of a balcony full of blooming flowers? How come she doesn't get to feel the season change?

I miss not being able to call her. I was even thinking of calling the number to see if someone else has taken the number. A new grandma for me to talk to? 

She is just gone now. No more apartment, no more phone number, no more her.

I know it's lame to say it's not fair. But, it isn't. I wish everyone could live forever.

 I hate the cycle of life.

I had a dream about her last week. I walked into her apartment and it was Christmas dinner. We were all there & she was walking around with a pepper shaker asking us if we needed pepper? She was kind of dancing around from person to person, and I remember just staring at her and thinking - you shouldn't be here - you can't be here, you are gone forever. She didn't look me in the eye, but I was standing next to her in awe that she somehow managed to come back for this family dinner. Then the dream was over.

She was such an awesome beautiful woman. She had quite the life & had so many wonderful/crazy stories to share. I try and think of her stories and wonder if I have remembered them right, so I can share them with my kids. I wish I could call & double check things with her. I don't want to get things wrong when re-telling. 

She was a painter. She always had an art room in her apartment. She was so crafty. I remember a million moons ago, I sent her a letter asking if she could make me a Gizmo costume for Halloween. I even tucked in one of my prized Gremlins trading cards in the letter of request so she could use it as reference. She never did make the costume... she said she couldn't find any good fur in her little town on the island. When I was going through her things after she passed, I was kind of hoping I would have come across that old letter. 

I remember hanging out at her place as a child and she was all about building forts in the middle of her living-room. She was so awesome. I don't think she ever made me clean up after myself.

When going through her things, I wanted to save everything. I put many things aside, and my dad took them. I would like to have more time to go back through her stuff. She actually had many, many, journals. She wrote about everything! I loved her old photos...

I miss our chats and  especially miss her laugh.

I miss her.